To love and be lost

I know I said I would be posting again this time last month but I have had a ridiculously busy time including the story I’m going to tell now. 

So a few weeks ago I thought I would download a dating app, not tinder or Grindr, just to see if I could create genuine relationships with people and one of the first few people I matched with ended up being this guy from about 15 miles away from me. And we spoke for ages and we really got on well we organised to meet up at the weekend cos it fitted with both of our schedules. It come to that day and we met, I lied to my whole family because it would sound sketchy if I said I was meeting some guy I met online. We got on and we went for a walk around the place we decided to meet. I won’t go into detail on what we done specifically but we done some stuff. And I genuinely felt an emotional attraction towards this guy one like I never had before with anyone else, and I thought like he felt the same way. So we continue to text that evening when we have left each other and and the next morning we are still flirting, I had to go to work and he said he would text me as soon as my shift finished. 

My shift finishes, no text to ask how work was. I start to walk home about five minutes later and I just thought he probably forgot. I get halfway home when I message him and try to instigate conversation with him, I get a reply saying that he was busy and would text back as soon as he was done doing that. I thought nothing of it and just typed back ‘ok’.

About an hour passes, and I just assumed that whatever he was doing didn’t take that long, so I message again asking if he was done yet, No Reply just a seen notification. So I reply saying, ‘is that a yes xxx’

I waited until 7pm to message him again, on a different social medium, asking if he was intentionally ignoring me. I get 10 photos of the Christmas trees he had put up in his house. And I apologised for being needy.

So it Monday comes around and we talk before he goes to school and when he come back, we’re getting on really well. Then he drops the bombshell that he wasn’t that interested in me and a switch went off in my head that just lets my anger and sadness take total control of my body and I just take me self up stair trying not to stomp my feet too much and I just crawl under my duvet and bawl my eyes out while texting my best friend saying how much of an (insert insulting word) he is.

It had seemed that I got so emotional attached to this guy that I had lost grip with reality. And I had got so lost in this fantasy that I wasn’t ready to take on the harshness when I get bounced back into the real world. 

I’m a firm believer that everyone who crosses paths with you is there to teach you some lesson that you can ignore or treasure (I.e. My old boss, I hated her because she was nasty and greedy. Just an all around C**T, but the lesson I got from her is don’t be afraid to stand up for something if you truly believe in it). This guys lesson for me was, everything good comes to an end and not everyone can get the happy ending they wish for.

I made the wrong decision for apologising and telling him the above. Because it dug me a deeper hole, because unaware until he mentioned it, it seemed like I was guilt tripping him. And so I apologised because I am new to having this kind of attachment and that I overreacted. 

And so now we are talking again. I don’t know if we will ever be more that friends but I still wish it didn’t end how it did and we’d have to restart.

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